horror

Halloween how-to

Wrapping up the month of October, and the stream of horror themed articles – it only seems appropriate to make use of All Hallow’s Eve with a quick “how-to” full of toil. I call this, “How To Know You’re Being Stalked.”

You are being stalked if…

You show up at Frank’s house for dinner, and he awkwardly says, “Just give me a minute.” You ask him where the bathroom is, but he doesn’t hear your question. Instead, you find yourself walking down a hallway where you suddenly see bright, shimmering lights cascading off the walls in a dimly lit room – there – you realize is a giant shrine to yourself, complete with yearbook photos, a suspicious looking jar of liquid, and the soft melody of your favorite songs playing faintly in the background.

You’re out at dinner with a few friends and suddenly receive a text message. It’s from Frank. And it reads, “How’s the tuna roll? I see James is sampling their new imported beer. By the way, nice top. Red’s a good color on you. I heart you. A lot.”

You’re having a dream that you’re at a Cure concert. But they keep playing the same song over and over again. When you are finally jolted from your sleep, you realize your phone has been ringing incessantly. Frank’s called 5 times in the span of 4 minutes. You look at your clock and realize it’s 4:30 a.m.

You come home to find a stuffed animal propped awkwardly against your door. Next to it is a CD and a man’s t-shirt with a note taped to the sleeve. It reads, “Wear this shirt and think of me. I wore it for a week in the gym so that it could capture my scent just right. I made you a mix CD of the songs that remind me of you, pay close attention to “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. It’s our song. Love, Frank.” A few days later, a friend is over at your place and walks up to you with the stuffed animal in hand, “Hey, you know there’s a video camera in this thing, right?”

Stalk these great movies: Fear (1996), starring a young Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon, Single White Female (1992), One Hour Photo (2002), Robin Williams at his creepiest, Swimfan (2002), and Fatal Attraction (1987).

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